6.15.21
1.27.13

By the way, I turned 31 yesterday and reading this struck a chord. Do we all feel this way sometimes? I feel it a lot. And I smiled to read “you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old.”

veelacharm:

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”

The Winter of the Air   (via dancinguponthearchitecture)

(via fukcyourhousefranco-blog)

1.27.13

I don’t know how this is going to go, since I haven’t been the best at posting blog entries at regular intervals, or even posting things that are really useful like Top 10 Travel Tips or How To Escape A Zombie Apocalypse, but I’m going to try, and keep reminding myself that it’s part of the job. What job? Well, promoting yourself as an entrepreneur or artist. I need to reach out and get connected with people, and find a way to tie together everything I do and want to do. I’m not the most focused person, so this new website/blog will probably reflect that for a while until I sort out what it’s supposed to be. But I’ve spent too much time thinking about it and not enough time just diving in. So I’m diving in. I’ve started a new blog/website at www.dreameroftheday.com. The title comes from a lovely quote I discovered, by T. E. Lawrence (otherwise known as Lawrence of Arabia):

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.

I’m going to start blogging there about my adventures and progress with acting and singing, and at some point offer ebooks on various subjects, and of course, music downloads when I release songs. :-) I have some ideas, but we will see how the site progresses, you know? The good thing about this site is that you will be able to add your comments to the blog posts and interact with me. I hope you’ll join me there!

1.15.13

I wish, when people died, you could have one last conversation with them. Talk to them, and hear their response. Especially if they didn’t say good-bye. It’s nice to be able to say good-bye. 

I sent a song that I had written to a friend of mine back in L.A. She was my neighbour, and we didn’t really hang out, although she let me stay at her place for 2 weeks while I was in town last year. We drove each other crazy. lol. Me, with my stuff all in one corner, as I tried to sort through things in my shed and figure out what I’d take back to France with me. Her, with her constant longing for a boyfriend who had left about 2 years ago. I tried to listen and help the best I could, but I’m no counselor… and I also think perhaps I’m easily irritated. 

We would email occasionally, and I would continue to offer my advice, interesting articles, quotes, my own personal heartbreak… she said once that talking to me helped. But I guess not enough. 

The last email thread we had was only a couple of days ago, when I sent her a song I’d written about wondering how long it takes to mend a broken heart. Just to share that she’s not alone. In her response she said she loved it and could definitely relate, and that she would “give you my writings of mish mosh lines you can make it a song or 100 of em….” To which I replied sure, would love to read them (although I always dread running into bad or depressing poetry and I’m sure at least one of those would apply to hers). She ended the email saying “hope I can see you when u come here… I would like to write with you were in a similar boat… if you would like…. thanks for trying to help me. ttys xxx”

Yesterday I learned that she had taken her life. 

How can you do that… how can you say “I’ll see you when you get here” (which is only in a week), and “talk to you soon”… if you have no intention of making it that long? 

The day before yesterday, I sent her a video I made of my cat, to make her laugh. I guess she’ll never see it. 

1.08.13

image

What’s that, right? Sorry, I was about to make a post here and got totally distracted by this:

http://limmynem.com/post/39889364653/gallium-gallium-is-a-silvery-metal-with-atomic

But it kind of relates. 

I wish I was more like a rock. Able to let the winds blow around me and stay firm. But no, I get emotional, I panic, I scream “whatamIgonnaDO?!” But I’m working on it. I don’t want to melt as easily as that. 

On the other hand, right now, when I find myself between a rock and a hard place, perhaps being able to melt and flow like gallium is a gift. After the panic. 

I’m taking a break from my frantic activities at the moment just to get this out. Just to BLAH and then continue on. 

So here’s the deal. 

For the first couple months of living in the suburbs, I had a deal going on with someone who would rent out their apartment in Paris and stay with me while it was occupied by tourists willing to pay his mortgage. This was in exchange for half my rent. Parfait. Well, that had to come to an end when he moved to the US. But I saw it coming, and back in October started searching for a roommate. Which I needed anyway as well, because of my upcoming long trip to LA (coming up in 12 days, lasting 2.5 months). My kitty needs someone to let him in and out and in and out and in and out. And I can’t afford 900€ a month, especially when I’m not even there. So. I lucked out and in the beginning of November met a lovely young English guy, who I immediately OKed to move in. Hurray!

Well, my joy was short-lived. 

A day after I purchased my airfare to LA, he sat me down and said that because after a month in Paris and not finding a job for someone who doesn’t speak French, he was going to go back to the UK. Well, sh*t. 

So I started putting the ads out, and contacting people who were interested last month. After a week or two, I got some people who wanted to come by. I sat at home one Saturday waiting for two of them. One had the courtesy to say he wasn’t going to make it, and could he come tomorrow? OK. The other one…. never heard from her. I had to text to find out that she had gone on vacation early. Oops. Oh, and I forgot to mention the girl from the week before who also had me waiting at home, and never showed, never called, never texted, never emailed. I wouldn’t let her get away with it, so I texted, called and emailed all week until she called with some giggling idiots in the background to say that she’d lost her phone. Please. 

So one person came to see it the Sunday before Christmas, and although he liked it, it was too far away for him. A day later, a friend of a friend came by to see it, and agreed to move in. He didn’t work far, and he had a car. Parfait. He was to start moving things in on the 31.

So then I bought my airfare from LA to PA to see my parents, whom I have not seen since the summer of 2010.

So the 31st came… and no stuff. He’d disconnected for the holidays, and I only learned of his holiday extension the day before. He said he’d probably move in the next week. OK. You’re worrying me. 

The next week comes. Saturday, January 6, I’m told of his good fortune… a friend is recently single and seeking a place. So they want to find a place together. I suggest they both stay here while I’m gone. It would work out for all. We get together to discuss it. Where he makes me extremely nervous about entrusting my cat’s fate to them, as they were going to continue searching for something in Paris, and if something came up and they had to take it right away, well, my cat could be left on his own. I’m sorry, I don’t want to be interviewing roommates from LA and risk my cat starving to death in a suburb of Paris unless I cut the trip short to return. I had recently turned down another friend of a friend who was interested in coming by (tomorrow), and I suggested to them that I reach out to her again, perhaps she could be the stable one, and they could live in the other room if they wanted. Ideally, I’d get all my rent paid, you know? Then I can contribute in LA. Well I haven’t heard back from her, and I’ve just plastered the internet with more ads today, but it’s looking grim. 

I’ve decided that I have 7 days to get a roommate or I need to put things in storage, kiss my deposit goodbye, and take the cat to LA with me. When I get back, I’ll bounce around, find a shoebox to live in with my puppy (she’s got a baby-sitter. But the cat is a wuss and I don’t trust him to stay at someone else’s place. He will stare at a window and drive you nuts with meowing, or sneak past you as you enter the door)…. and make it work. I’d already decided that 2013 would be my last year to be based in France. I need to have something to do here, I need to earn more money, know more French, not live in a suburb… so 2013 is dedicated to cramming in a bunch of travel I promised myself I would do while I was here. So perhaps it’s best that kitty goes back to his old stomping ground. Or lurking. Or whatever it is he does. 

So, while I continue to search for a roommate, I am also looking up storage facilities and making sure my cat is travel-ready. 

Most of me thinks “nooooo, why now?! Why?! I don’t need this right now! I have to go to LA! Why are people so unreliable? Why does nobody keep their word?? And why noooooow?!” but there’s a part of me that is happy for the challenge in some weird, stressed-out way. It gets me out of the suburbs, forces me to travel whether I’m ready or not (I mean if you have nowhere to live, you might as well travel…), and challenges me to see how long it takes me to pack everything up, and how much space it takes. I think I’m actually almost done. I’ve filled 4 boxes, two suitcases, and all I really have left are odds and ends in the bathroom, the desk, the kitchen, and a stack of papers. If I had been home all day, I probably could have packed up all my belongings by now. Well, there are still a couple of hours left. And if anybody needs some furniture…. let me know.

12.14.12
12.06.12

I hate Free to the tune of over 479€. Seriously. Can I just live in a world free of contracts and companies trying to take advantage of you? 

I signed up with Free when I moved to my current location in May. I got no service from them. Ever. I managed to log onto the public Free account for about a week before it quit. I had no internet at home for the entire month of June. So in July, I canceled. Which was really hard because nobody at their offices is ALLOWED to speak English on the phone. It’s not that they can’t. No, they just…. can’t. So I get billed for all those months of wonderful service, and then billed 49€ to cancel that…. service? And then they want the box back. Well, yeah, I don’t want your useless box either. Take it. But they never sent a prepaid label to send it back with. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for shipping this crap back to you AND get charged for nothing. So since I can’t call, I try to email. But there’s no way to email through their website. Nor can I reply to any emails they send me requesting 49€ and their box. So I send certified letters. But all I hear back is…. pay us 49€. Yeah, well, take your box back. I’ve sent at least 3 of these letters. 

Today, I’m checking my bank account because I need to pay someone back for dinner, and also get some cash out for rent. And maybe some other things, like food. I’m in the red. Why am I in the red? Because FREE decided to take 479€, instead of just taking their damn box back. I’ve been begging them to take their box back. I don’t want it here using up valuable space any more than… well…. I bet they would rather have that 479€. Well done, Free. But I’m not done here. Because I NEED that rent money. 

Anyone out there have any advice for me?

In other news… I’ve been working on an ebook about blogging. I know I’m not an expert, but this is kind of my way of learning and researching, and I’d like to do it on many topics, especially about things I learn while I travel (when I start traveling). I’m learning a lot of good things, and I can’t wait to put them into action on my own new blog. I’m still coming up with a name for it, and a description, and sorting out exactly what I’m going to be doing. It’s an interesting project. I mean, I’m creating a job for myself, basically. One that probably won’t pay well, so I’m still looking at other things on the side. But it’s time to DO something. Try, fail, succeed, but DO something and have a great record of it! 

And never, if I have any other choice, never sign another long term contract with a telecommunications company ever again.

11.24.12

So I’ve been trying to lay some real plans, real goals, with real goalposts, but somehow it’s not coming easy to me. I’ve been reaching around for advice and ideas and I have some now… I just need to figure out a real plan for it all! I thought maybe sharing it out loud might help, and those of you following along on Facebook could comment…

Acting: I need to come up with a plan. I’m starting at the end and then figuring out how I get there. I don’t want to choose too many goals, so as to lose focus… so I’ll start simple. I know I want to work with Joss Whedon. So now I need to figure out the steps I should take to get to that goal. Secondly, I’d like to work with Anne Fontaine, who seemed willing to take a risk on an American actor who didn’t speak French for Coco Avant Chanel, and as my French is still in construction, it’s encouraging to know that someone is willing to work with you even when you’re new to the language. Hopefully, by the time I’d get to work with her, I can speak French, but then again, this guy had several hours a day with a private tutor, and then working on the set learning his lines. I, on the other hand, have two classes a week and no real reason to converse in French on a regular basis. 

I also want to do something on my own, make some skits, a webseries, something fun that I can put out there. A couple ideas floating around, but I need more motivation and more writing talent. lol

Music: I need to work on the guitar and piano. Practice more. But you know what, and this sounds silly… I don’t know how to practice. I can pick out songs I want to learn, and learn them…. but I can’t build a chord and tell you what it is. I have trouble writing my own music on an instrument. I need to work on this because it’s a bit of a hinderance to writing songs, when I have trouble expressing them.

Photography: I want to work on doing stock photography, as a way to improve my photography, learn about my camera, get feedback, and a couple dollars here and there. lol. Right now I need lights, and then I can sit at home with my whitebox and play around with fruit and vegetables. I’d like a light that can do double duty for filming things at home, as my lighting is a bit crap. Anyone have a clue what kind of light to get? No idea, and I can’t afford something expensive. And I’m guessing I need two. Or one and a bounce card? ???

Writing: I’ve decided to try to write ebooks for Amazon. Instructional, and then fiction… and work on my writing skills. I joined a little program (and if I find it’s really good I’ll tell you about it) to help me learn how to do this, and am kind of excited. I like being able to create things that, once out there, you don’t need to do much with. People buy it over and over again. So that might become another source of income if I can keep it up. I’ll make it my day job. But I still should have some goals. I just started working on the first book, and it’s taking longer than I thought, so perhaps when I can get a good estimate for how long each will take, I can set some goals. I know for the instructional ones, I want to make it kind of a series - things I am interested in, so I research and share the research in a short, easy format, and for some I can create a complimenting video perhaps interviewing someone or learning how to do something. I love to learn new things, and this way, I can put it to good use!

So…. any thoughts on this? Suggestions? Help with figuring out how to manage and plan and set goals? I like having concrete steps to take to get somewhere, but with so many things I like to do it doesn’t seem like there ARE concrete steps. It’s more of a steep, rocky incline you have to climb up, grasping for whatever stone protrudes. :-P

11.12.12

Yesterday was the birthday of a beautiful young girl whom I miss… She would have been 21 and it’s hard to believe. Sometimes I imagine what she would be doing right now in her life, and sometimes I just remember her as a bouncy, bright 14 year old. Last night as I sat in a theatre watching Sinister (yeaaaaah. Well I wanted to see Argo but it was sold out at two theatres, so since I have the monthly UGCillimite card I figured I’d see SOMEthing) I started thinking about her, imagining her sitting next to me. And of course she would be her silly self. I imagined her jumping with a laugh at the stupid “BOO gotcha!” moments and then clinging to my arm. Then giggling and feigning fright. Perhaps she would make funny horrified faces, or make her giant pout at learning about the poor children who died. “That’s so SAD!” she might say. And as the ___(hey, I’m not going to spoil it)____ she might exclaim “Oh my god!” (which wasn’t a phrase I was fond of, but she used it a lot). 

It’s been easy to just go about life, and think about what to do, what I should do, what I have to do, what I want to do, dealing with each day, but whenever I think about her it’s like thinking about sunshine in the middle of a cloudy day. I don’t have anyone like her around me anymore, and thinking about her is like a little slap reminding me of how content and happy I was at one time. And I wonder if I can have that again. I know they always say that happiness comes from within, but you know… I think sometimes it comes from within other people and just spreads to your own life. I can have good days, and be happy about things, and enjoy life, but she was part of an anchor that was solid happiness. Now I’m just kinda floating free….

We miss you, Peek. 

image
11.04.12

audreyhepburnarchive:

1955: Audrey Hepburn Presenting at the 28th Academy Awards. [Personal Appearances]

(Submitted by Audrey Guiet)

I’d never seen this before, I thought I was running out of new Audrey footage to watch! It definitely made me smile. :-)

(via rareaudreyhepburn)

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